Quotable Quotes

Proverbs for the Millennium

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks
5. Great groups from little icons grow
6. Speak softly and carry a cell phone
7. C:\ is the root of all directories
8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish
10. The modem is the message
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There's no place like home(page)
14. Don't byte off more than you can view
15. Fax is stranger than fiction
16. What boots up must come down
17. Windows will never cease
18. Virtual reality is its own reward
19. Modulation in all things
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks

Even Greater Truths

• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree
• There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
• Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring
• The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere .... and let the air out of their tires
• Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment due
• Families are like fudge.... mostly sweet with a few nuts
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
• Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car
• Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day
• Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside
• One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts
• You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

Things to Ponder

• It's a lot easier to criticize while looking out a window than while looking in a mirror
• Never be afraid to try something new
• Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic
• Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good
• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand
• Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
• Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand
• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason
• An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true
• There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year
• People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first
• It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them
• I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path
• Anything free is worth what you pay for it
• Indecision is the key to flexibility
• It hurts to be on the cutting edge
• If it ain't broke, fix it till it is
• I don't get even, I get odder
• In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
• I am a nutritional overachiever
• My inferiority complex is not as good as yours
• I am having an out of money experience
• I plan on living forever. So far, so good
• I am in shape. Round is a shape
• Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths
• Practice safe eating-always use condiments
• A day without sunshine is like night
• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it
• If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws
• I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though
• Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster
• One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment
• Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone
• Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show
• You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing

13 Signs ... that you've had too much of the 1990's

1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted"
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year
8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page
9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play
10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea
11. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home

Cowboy Words of Wisdom

• Don't squat with your spurs on
• Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance
• The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'
• If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning
• Never ask a barber if you need a haircut
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around
• Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think
• Always drink upstream from the herd
• Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'
• Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment
• When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson
• When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket
• Never miss a good chance to shut up

Trivia...Did you know....

1. Coca-Cola was originally green
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury
3. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters
4. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better
5. Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000
6. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%; Percentage of NorthAmerica that is wilderness: 38%
7. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
8. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
9. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
10. Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%
11. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
12. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
13. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disneyworld: 70%
14. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair
15. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910
16. The youngest pope was 11 years old
17. Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation
18. First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
19. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why
20. In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1
21. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
22. Hang On Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio
23. Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
24. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases
25. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song)
26. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror
27. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building
28. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar
29. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
30. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired"
31. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later
32. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
33. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo target, it got "the whole 9 yards"
34. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt
35. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies
36. David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie
37. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere
38. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
39. The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites
40. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns
41. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight
42. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado
43. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
44. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar
45. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl
46. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver"
47. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game
48. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older
49. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan"